A Movie Review by Robert Long II ©2016
Tagline: When They Said Don’t Go In The Woods, They Meant Here
Starring Bianca Allaine, Johnny Alonso, Nadia White, Richard Cutting, Melissa LaMartina, Ryan Thomas, Meadow Bosworth, Charlie Dreizen, Laura Kiser, Brad Masters, Frederick Cowie, M.T. Smith, Logan Kangas
Music by Terence Jones
Written and directed by Dan Doran, Kevin Kangas, Mark Wenger
“GOTZ” – The wraparound segment. A young family takes a vacation by renting a house (in the woods) with collectible dolls in it. The child goes to sleep while the husband and wife go to watch a movie. The power goes out. The husband – hard up for some action – plies his wife with alcohol, weed, and scary stories. This he hopes will pass the time and help get her in the mood for riding the baloney pony; it doesn’t. While this is going on there is an intruder in the house, getting closer and closer to killing the couple. In the end, the wife must fight for her life from the terrors of the night. It DOES have a hilarious, interesting ending.
“SIREN” – A hunter goes into the woods and runs into a very strange woman. No matter what he does, the hunter cannot escape her haunting siren song. Very well acted, well photographed and edited.
“THE PROWLER” – A low budget film crew making a horror movie find themselves at the mercy for a serial killer out in the woods. Things to look for: a chubby production assistant masturbates as he watches a couple go at it. The PA must be built like Ron Jeremy down there considering the length of his strokes. The guy that plays the director is funny.
“SMILING JACK” – A young couple try to video tape the urban legend known as Smiling Jack out in the woods. This is a scarecrow type creature that wears a plastic jack o lantern for a head and carries a huge knife. Not a bad segment at all. Well acted and photographed, and you get to see actress Melissa LaMartina bounce around in a wonder bra. The creature would have seemed a little more convincing with a real jack o lantern for a head.
“THE DRONE COLLECTOR” – Five people traipse thru the woods when they encounters some drones – a LOT of drones. Drones that would make 007’s SPECTRE green with envy. These machines seem to be out for blood as they hunt down the hikers, one by one. Who is behind this gruesome assault? Fantastic segment. Lot’s of good acting, action, blood, crazy camera angles – top notch. I could see this being stretched into a full length feature.
“MIDNIGHT CLOWN” – Some young brick-stupid filmmakers go out to the woods to make a found footage movie. The only one with a lick of intelligence is their director of photography, but he is unfortunately saddled with the simps in charge. At night they encounter the urban legend the Midnight Clown. Beware of the balloons! There is some decent acting and we get a nice shot of Nadia White’s chest. This segment seems rushed, and the ending shot is giggle inducing.
FINAL SCORE: 6 out of 10 Blair Witch Projects. I saw this on a rainy night premiere in Baltimore. Considering the weather, it was decently attended (around 250 people in the audience). This is a mix of “People Dying in the Woods” movies and “Horror Anthology” movies. If those are your cup of tea you will enjoy this. It is available on AMAZON. You can find it HERE.