A review by Robert Long II
16:9 ratio, color, 75 minutes
Starring: Johnny Francis Wolf, Megan Pearson, Michael Brecher, and Joseph L. Johnson
Directed by Jamie Nash and David Sckrabulis
Extras: Director’s Commentary, Making of Featurette, Trailer
Tagline: “Forget Milk and Cookies… This Year He Wants Blood!”
Story synopsis (from the official website): It’s the night before Christmas and Gabe Snow, a tabloid writer haunted by the Ghosts of Christmas past, is investigating a Yule Tide Conspiracy. Gabe knows that Flight 1225 was brought down one foggy Christmas Eve, by a flying creature with a “glowing nose”.
Now a Blood-Sucking Vampire – Santa Claus – has put Gabe on his list and unleashed the demonic fury of the North Pole. Armies of Zombie Elves, who have no interest in Toys or Pointy Hats or Dentistry, are about to turn Gabe’s White Christmas… Blood Red…
Will Gabe find the true meaning of Christmas? Can he stake a heart that’s two sizes too small? What will he find under his tree?
Comments: The photos here do nothing to show the viewers what this movie is REALLY like; does not do it justice at all. This movie does have some gore in it – to say the least. You get a decapitation, and ear lobbed off, a knife to the leg, foot surgery, chewed scalps, people poisoned, blood galore, and a gut punch that comes clean through to the other side!
Definitely a horror comedy, TWO FRONT TEETH both hits and misses in its telling of Yuletide horror. It’s played broad and never takes itself serious for a millisecond. The setting is well done and the production design superb for a low-budget production. It reminds me of a TROMA film only that it’s BETTER than a TROMA film.
There is a lot going for this movie. The four leads are very good in their parts and play them to the hilt. There is even a good blend of live action, stop-motion animation, and cell animation (used in a flashback). The production values are top notch, from the seedy exploitation newspaper office to the overly decorated Snow household to the outlandish Santa-mobile. The makeup on the evil elves is first rate, and the film features three beautiful leather-clad ninja nuns called the “Silent Knights” that can slide down my chimney anytime.
But what about the story? I’ll be honest; it took me a little while to get it straight. See Gabe (Johnny Francis Wolf) is an investigative reporter working for a rag that investigates Christmas type weirdness around the world. Strange that he would do this considering he has an intense fear of Santa Claus. His wife Noelle (Megan Pearson) is fed up with her wuss husband and has been getting a little candy cane action on the side. Gabe’s boss Ed (Michael Brecher) is feeling pressure from an unseen group to find out Gabe’s story source for the ill-fated Flight 1225. It seems this commercial flight was brought down when it collided with a creature with a “glowing nose.” Gabe’s source – Cowboy Pete (Joseph L. Johnson) witnessed the tragedy. He also holds in his possession the key to the whole mystery, one that is sought after by evil elves, ninja nuns, and a Satanic Santa. It is up to Gabe, Noelle, and Pete to keep the scales of good and evil balanced on the holiest night of the year. See there is a lot to keep track of here, and I only gave it to you in the broadest of descriptions.
Alas, not all things are perfect with the film. The characters of Gabe and Noelle can get grating at times; Gabe tends to be an extreme wuss for most of the film, and Noelle’s bitchiness gets tiresome, leaving the viewer to wonder just how they ever got married in the first place. When watching a movie I want to be entertained, not irritated. There is a digital blood shot that does not come off at all, and the filmmakers would have done better to use actual firing blanks in the firearms, rather than the non-convincing muzzle fire that was put in post production. Lastly, the epic battle between the forces of good and evil at the end (watch the film and you will know what I mean) could have been longer and had more camera coverage.
In the end, the question is if I like TWO FRONT TEETH, and can recommend it. The answer is a conditional yes. It will have a definite appeal to those that like broad comedy and gross out splatter. It will appeal to those that want to watch something different; something off the beaten track. There is a stocking full of energy and love that the creators of this film put into this independent production, and it is destined to become a seasonal Yuletide cult classic.
7 out of 10 stars
The official website is here:
You can buy TWO FRONT TEETH here: